TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of place. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But yes, guaranteed, let us have An additional spot wherever American Adult males can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: present Anyone a collection within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" Trump Tower Damascus requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting focus from Global buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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